Jesus: My Redeemer

My only purpose in writing this today is to attest to the restoration power that Jesus makes available to us all. He is my redeemer and the one who has given me true purpose in life.

My name is Aaron and I grew up in the small town of Obetz, Ohio (20 minutes from Columbus). You could say my childhood was “normal”. I spent most of my time outside with friends, bowling on a Saturday morning league, and playing video games. I attended a private christian school throughout my childhood to high school graduation. Just before middle school I grew curious about the upcoming teen years that I would be facing.

I was at the library one day and found a secular book for teenage boys about puberty. The book was in the small “for sale” section of the library and just so happened to be within my budget. I made my way up to the counter and handed the librarian the two dollars it would cost to purchase the book. I went home that night and began reading a book full of secular world views about puberty in young men. As I read about pornography, I came to the conclusion that it was completely normal for me to explore. I had no clue the addictive nature of sin and assumed I would be able to effortlessly leave it behind if I chose to.

From the age of 12-16 pornography seemed harmless to me but affected my friendships, relationships, and mental health. I became very good at hiding how broken I truly was when I was around my friends and family. I decided that I would start to attend youth group at church on Wednesday nights and instantly became involved as a leader. At the age of 17 I started dating Alie, the most kind hearted girl I’ve ever met. I am blessed to say that she is my wife to this day. We went to many youth events and camps together. I eventually told Alie about my addiction while we were dating. From the age of 17-20 I started to share my struggle with pornography to male leaders in the church. I sought counsel from them and expected things to become better with their help. I was unable to break free from my addiction as I was still relying on my own willpower and strength from man.

During this time, I started to notice a change in my parents’ relationship. They began to argue which I have never seen them do before. My parents were off and on with their relationship for about 2 years. One Saturday night I remember I aggressively told my parents to stop arguing and I threw a water bottle through the drywall. My mom told me to pack up some things and get ready to leave. We left for a hotel that night and went to church the next morning. I told some friends what happened and we prayed over the situation. My mom picked me up and we made our way towards the house. As we approached the driveway my mom had a panic attack. I called a squad and they came to pick her up. My dad and I drove to the hospital. It was one of the longest 20-minute car rides that I’ve ever been in. We went to my mother’s room and my dad tried to comfort her but as he did my mother rolled over to her other side. At that moment I knew that my parents were more than likely going to divorce.

I ended up graduating from high school and went to bible college. My parents helped move me into my dorm room and went afterwards to go finalize their divorce. Every memory up to this point I had with my parents in the picture. I would start the most difficult years of my life where I was supposed to grow up and find my way. I fell into a deep depression and my addiction to pornography became worse. I do not have many positive memories about my experience in college. I ended up skipping my whole finals week and dropped out with a .4 GPA. In the next few months, I would find a full-time job that would become a huge blessing for me and provide a good source of income. Alie and I then married and moved into an apartment together that we would call home.

Alie and I both figured that my pornography addiction would crumble once we married. The first few months of our marriage we had a blast (as most marriages are). Soon after this time I began struggling again and pornography would start to have long lasting affects on our marriage. I became an extremely selfish person on the inside and was unable to be the loving husband that she needed. For the next six years I sought help at church, counseling, and prayed for God to make me a better man. There was still a lot of good that came from our marriage during these six years and I see the growth opportunity as a blessing now.

We became pregnant with our first child around the age of 26-27. We spent the next few months preparing everything we could for the birth of our child. We painted our child’s new room, put together a crib, and enrolled in a course to prepare us for the birth of our child. One night I was playing video games and I received a random text. The text was from a female that I had been good friends with in high school. After six years of marriage, you would think I would know that relationships with the opposite sex are absolutely not okay. I messaged her back and found out she was back in town. We made plans and ended up going out to eat together. After dinner I drove her to her house and dropped her off. As soon as she shut the door the conviction of the holy spirit hit me and I thought “what have I done”. This is a conviction that I’m thankful for to this day. I had essentially just gone out on a date with an old friend as a married man.

For the next year and a half I didn’t say a word to anyone. I was positive I could keep things to myself and move on. After all, hiding my issues is something I have grown accustom to. One night at work (I was working night shift at the time) I started listening to worship music again. God started to move me in a way in which I had never felt before. I started to weep and desired a closeness with him again. Over the next few nights, I found myself crying out to God as I hauled cars across state lines. The next day I had started my shift and I heard God tell me, “It’s time to tell her”. I then knew that in order to have a genuine closeness to God I needed to come clean with my wife about taking a friend out to dinner.

When I arrived home that night, I woke Alie up at 3 in the morning. I told her what I had done and we talked for a moment. I started going to counseling every week in an attempt to save our marriage. The next few months were very difficult. It was hard to see the hurt that I had caused my bride. I am thankful for her forgiveness and God’s restoration power. Alie told me that she had a dream on the same night I came clean to her. In her dream there was an angel and a serpent in the room as she was sleeping. The angel cut the head off of the serpent. All of this took place before I spoke with her that night.

We spent the following years learning how to be parents, restoring our marriage, and eventually found a church that we loved going to. This church is our home to this day. I had made the decision to be baptized again and told the congregation about my struggles with pornography. Yes, after all that I had put myself and bride through I was still a slave to pornography. A week later I had “messed up” again and viewed pornography. This was the lowest point that I had ever felt in my life. The depression that followed was extremely dark. This caused a lot of hardships in our household as we gave birth to our second child. I should be the happiest man in the world with all that God has blessed me with. The thoughts I started to have made no sense to me. On multiple occasions I would say out loud that I wanted to take my own life. The darkness and evil that Satan had me bound to was no match for me. There was nothing that I could do to break free and enjoy live the life that God had for me.

What you are about to read next is the reason why I dedicate my life to Jesus.

On November 5th, 2023 I made a declaration at church with a good friend that I would become the man of Christ that God has called me to be. I declared that I would become the leader that my family needs me to be. For the next month I felt alive again. I was happy and genuinely looked forward to waking up the next day. Around the beginning of December, I fell into the temptation of pornography once again. That night I set up an accountability software on my computer and phone. I reached out to a good friend the next day and he became my accountability partner.

The next week I stopped at Noodles and Co. after work before meeting my family at an event. As I was eating, I decided to look for a testimony on YouTube of a young man that had defeated the addiction of pornography. I watched a young man on Delafe’ Testimonies talk about how he no longer struggles from pornography and its all because of Jesus. My thoughts soon went to “if Jesus set him free then who is saying he could not set me free?”

I walked to my car and made the decision that I was not going to leave the parking spot i was in until I knew I am done with pornography forever. I was so adamant about changing my life that I would still be sitting in the spot today if that’s what it took. After 30 minutes of talking to God, I told him that I was done. I told him that I will never be able to defeat it and that he could have the battle. Here is the exact prayer that I spoke (recorded):

“Today I just watched a YouTube video about a young boy that delt with OCD and pornography addiction. One of the things he said that rid him of his pornography addiction was ‘If you can take this from me Lord, I’ll never doubt you again’. He was so deep into It that he didn’t think anything would ever change or make him free or drag him out. I feel that. I understand that.. with pornography, with lust, with food.. my weight and food. Perfectionism and being perfect. Not making mistakes. As I record this I want to restart because I fumbled so many words and it could be better. And today I pray that I let that go. And that I stop trying. I stop trying to be the one that dictates if I win or lose. Jesus, come into my life. Come into the void that I continue to try to fill that can only be filled by you. I’m done. I’m done carrying this alone. You, You are the only one that can completely rid me from any urges or thoughts that I have where I’m not good enough. I pray that you completely change my life and use me to change others. Amen.” As soon as a finish praying I heard the lord tell me, “Start a men’s group to fight against pornography”.

Jesus came to die for me because he knew I was unable to defeat my pornography addiction. I was worried that my mind would forever be destroyed by a pornography addiction that lasted 18 years. My mind has been completely healed and restored. Jesus doesn’t just restore you “a little bit”, He restores you completely. From that moment forward I do not have a struggle with pornography. I am not an addict. The struggle that I gave to him was defeated by the blood of Jesus. I am alive in Christ. This does not mean that I do not have a battleplan to fight against pornography. A Warrior would be a fool to go to war without a plan. Alie and I’s marriage has been completely restored. My kids have the dad that they deserve. I am restored because of Jesus Christ.

I believe the purpose of my life is to help men bound in the chains of pornography addiction find freedom in Christ. You are NEVER too far gone. God loves you no matter what.

With Love,

Aaron Fielder